Dating in NYC?

I am actually pretty good... I mean, ending things is never fun or anything but in this case it was the best thing to do.

Thanks for the tip - I'm actually a fan of dating websites, but find that OkCupid can be full of people not really looking for much in the way of actual relating. Or perhaps this is just a NYC thing - because there are so many people here, how can you stop at just one? Like Rihanna says, it's so hard.

Sorry to hear it, BroadwayBK - but at least there's a big dating pool in NY! Just stay away from the i-banking types...maybe sign up for a random/fun activity (Time Out New York has some good ones) like an ice skating class or an improv troupe - meet people with similar interests...

@ajadedidealist not all i-bankers are boors :):) ....just the extremely young and immensely well compensated ones..

@BroadwayBk the thing about online dating though is that you have to learn to separate the wheat from the chaff it takes a bit of trial and error but know tons of people who have hit the jackpot with online dating. Maybe a paid site maybe better than a free site in that sense?

Fair enough, @uptowngirl - (my mom was one - so I tend to tease her/ibankers on general principle). As for online dating - why not? I find meeting people via the Internet a great way to connect with people with whom I have common interests.

I talked to some people who tried speed dating and hated it. I also know that Internet dating does work. I met my present girlfriend by way of the Internet.

Hey, BroadwayBK, just found this one:

http://www.villagevoice.com/events/anti-v-day-party-1642958/

Literary and anti-VDay. Sounds like it might be good for you. Jonathan Ames tends to get on my nerves but he has some interesting friends...

@Uraniumfish the trick with internet dating at least according to me is that you should not spend ages writing emails/texts but get on the phone or meet asap ..in that way you can make a decision much faster than spending months on email.. this is what worked for me though my husband is forever teasing me and telling me that I conned him!!

Agreed, uptowngirl. I had exactly one internet "relationship" a long time ago who seemed amazing in his correspondence. Obviously very intelligent, witty, about the right age. I kept inviting him to events I thought we might both like, but there was always a reason he couldn't make it. Finally realized he just LIKES the virtual contact, and was obviously either waaaay too shy or else hiding something. That turned me off to the whole internet idea of dating. That way a long while ago too, and I haven't gone back since.

@uptowngirl I wouldn't internet date any other way - I don't want a bunch of creepy internet friends. It's definitely hard weeding out the creeps from the date-able guys, but in that way it's just like real life. Meet me or leave me alone!

@Uraniumfish I'm kind of sad I just saw your post and missed the Jonathan Ames event.... I'm considering going to a speed dating event, if I find one that is affordable. I always feel like people who pay for things are more sincere, though. Like in the case of OkCupid I think there are a lot of guys just trying to get some rather than looking to make a connection with another human.

I think of speed dating as meeting 10 to 20 people in one evening, and therefore getting that painful first meeting done as quickly as possible. Think of how long it would take to correspond with and then set up a meeting with that many people online! Just saying, seems to get the dirty work done much faster, and then you can relax with a cocktail if the event yields at least one guy you'd actually want to keep talking to...

@uptowngirl So you are living proof that not all is lost when it comes to dating websites? A lot of my friends are down on them after a few bad experiences, but I think that people experience the same sort of things outside of the sites. After all, love is hard to find.

I can find fault with any kind of dating, just set me up.

With Internet dating I find that I tend to be pickier than I would normally be in a real life setting. As in, oh you've listed The Alchemist as one of your favorite books? Next!

I think this is because there is such a massive amount of single people on these sites - I feel as if I can just move on to the next one if I don't like the tiniest thing. Of course in reality you are always going to have to take the good with the bad when it comes to relationships, but it's easy to forget about this.

And if I met someone randomly at a public place I am not going to demand a list of favorites and judge him on it. So these websites are setting up a whole new dating dynamic where rejection is more of a norm perhaps - instead of choosing who to talk to out of a room full of people, you have thousands at your fingertips.

Also, you can gel with someone over the internet and find that in real life your personalities are not actually suited to each other - it can be really awkward.

Then: speed dating. This, like ajadedidealist says, is a bit forced - but so are all first encounters which involve a lot of small talk, especially for awkward/shy writer types such as myself. This connection may not be "organic" - but I think you can tell a lot about a person when they are sitting in front of you - like, for example, if you want to sleep with them or not. Also you get the whole is-this-going-to-be-awkward thing out of the way right up front instead of chatting online only to discover you aren't suited for each other. Hmmm, I think I just gave an argument for speed dating rather than against.....

I see we're making progress BroadwayBK. I have the name of a really great place where you can go meet really great guys. I mean really great guys. This has been consistently a good experience as a meeting place, and has been highly recommended by two friends. I'm going to send it via private message, but if anyone else needs the referral, let me know. I'm not sure why this is, but every woman I know who has gone there to meet a decent guy actually has met a decent guy.

@BroadwayBK take up Uraniumfish's offer and be 'your cheery' self you never know who you might meet. You were in my thoughts when I read this piece today by a NYC based writer called Lorraine Duffy Merkl. Have a read and hopefully you will be inspired-http://ourtownny.com/category/op-ed/columns/new-york-gal/

@Uraniumfish Thanks! I need all the dating help I can get in this town.

aw, @uptowngirl, that is the cutest thing to have ever taken place in Brooklyn. Can't wait to have my own Cher moment!

That makes a lot of sense, JenMac - although you might have to spend a date sitting through the plot of someone's labyrinthine novel (I had a boyfriend who spent two hours doing that about his vampire novel...when he hadn't written a word thereof!)

I actually met someone and dated her when going to a book reading. The dating situation only lasted for about two weeks but they were fun two weeks. The girl moved out of town.

I suppose that's another NYC pitfall - everyone is always on "the go" the whole time - hard to maintain a relationship under the conditions of constant travel/movement/change

I think if you really want to meet someone and establish a relationship you can. It will take effort but is not impossible.

Something about book readings. It must be an accepted kind of meat market, because I've often noticed men with roving eyes in such situations. Sometimes I really am there for the reading, and find it funny that I've been hit on in disproportionate numbers. Hardly anyone hits on me at a bar!

I love writerly types, but I don't know if I want to date one. Lately I've been draw to visual artists and musicians - it's nice to have career goal differences, and you never get into screaming matches about Faulkner's relevance.

I'm not completely opposed to meeting someone at a book reading, however, though it is yet to happen. Ha, @Uraniumfish I always get hit on at the bars but never at bookstores/ book readings.

@ BroadwayBK I agree completely. What is it with writers dating other writers? What if one of them publishes a book and the other one doesn't? That career jealousy can't be good for a relationship.

@ Everybody: I have to say there are a lot of cute women at readings. They seem much more approachable than the ones at art galleries. Though I can't say exactly why that is.

@DBlack I think competition in a friendship can sometimes be a great inspiration, but in a relationship it tends to go south pretty quickly. And I think the atmosphere at a gallery opening is completely different from that of a reading - the latter tends to be a quite and subdued event, and a reading people seem more excited to be there. Just my experience.

@BroadwayBK Both events have the cultured types trying too hard to be cultured types, but maybe it has to do with art world prices and the inherent idea that an art exhibit takes place to sell the works for big, big money? Readings are also held to sell books, but at $20 a pop, no one has to be all that uptight. I'm guessing, I still don't really know.

That's a good point, @Dblack.

I think a bit of competition can be healthy in a relationship, but too much is taxing. I'm not particularly serious about theatre - while my boyfriend is pursuing it at a professional level - and even then I get a bit jealous when a show he does gets rave reviews and sells out, but something I do for fun doesn't cause quite a smash. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if he were a writer!

Ajadedidealist, you may be at each other's throats. :) Just kidding. If your boyfriend was a writer, and he was doing better than you, regarding selling his work, you would be happy for him, but you also might be a little envious or jealous of him as well, and may try to complete against him. Not in a bad way, but just to see if you can outdo him. I'm not saying you will, I'm just saying in my counseling practice, I have found people to act that way. :)

@everyone I think actually my husband would love it if I was a banker like him.. I think the banker types enjoy intense competition ...

@Uptowngirl: You may be right. Who is to say. Human behavior can be tricky at times.

I feel like writers date writers because that's the way it usually goes in the arts. For one, artists usually only hang out with other artists. And, it's much easier to understand what the person is going through in regards to personal and artistic setbacks if you do the same thing. Most of my non - artist friends don't get the things that upset me and I don't get them. Plus, if you both do the same thing, in that realm, it's pretty inspiring and motivating.

@JenMac I think writers date other writers and artists date artists because those are people they tend to meet. Which I don't think is a good reason. It takes a lot of effort to get out of your safety zone and make close friends that do a variety of different professions, and who can introduce you to very different kinds of people than you would normally not meet on your own.

@DBlack, BroadwayBK I with you guys: dating another writer is a bad bad scene and can only lead to emotions that are not good for the relationship. I actually am okay with the idea that no one will ever understand me completely and profoundly, because, let's face it, do any of us understand anyone else in that way. Mostly, I just want the kind of relationship where you help each other be better, and I want to be with someone who will be happy for me if I do well in my career.

@uptowngirl I've met those arrogant types too and they can be a pain for so many other reasons, their views about art being among the least of their bad qualities!

I have a lot of friends who aren't artists, but none that are pretentious banker types. I try to go outside my comfort zone when it comes to meeting new people, but I think people mostly just like to hang around others who are similar to themselves - not necessarily a bad thing.

I have to say I wouldn't really want to date another writer. I have some close friends who are talented and successful writers, and the competition can be driving, but I think being in a relationship with such a person would just bring you too close to that feeling of competition, and feelings would start to sour. I think famous people are often getting divorced because one is more famous than the other.

I once dated an aspiring comic book artist. That's the closest I'll ever come to dating a writer.

I don't think it has anything to do with not stepping outside of one's comfort zone. My best friends work in clothing, finance and nightlife. I know people from all different social groups; but, I tend to only end up having relationships with actors or writers. They get it. And, it's inspiring to learn from someone and push each other, help each other. They tend to understand emotions more than people of other professions because they have to address them every day. The schedules are the same too (completely erratic). For me, it's not laziness, it's just a lot smoother sailing. And, a lot of artists, I think, would tend to agree with me.

@JenMac more power to you then.

@DBlack: I have to respectfully disagree with your statement about artists dating other artists and writers dating other writers. My girlfriend is an artist and I am a writer. We have been together for 12 years and get along splendidly.

Maybe there are those who don't get along. I may be the exception. I don't know. I haven't taken the time to do research about it. But it would be very interesting to know how many people that are artists actually date people who are non-artists.

@hhusted amen to that!

I'm not sure I could ever date a banker/finance guy/etc. Not just because of interests and compatibility, but also because of incompatible schedules - I love to travel, to adhere to a slightly bizarre schedule (living in multiple cities over the course of the year, going back and forth between England and the US, to work weekends alongside a degree) - if my partner had a M-F day job working more than 40 hours a week, it would make life enormously hard.

@Ajadedidealist: I hear ya. Life can be hard enough without someone coming along making it harder. I do understand where you are coming from.

@ajadedidealist what you state is very true.. I live that life .. I usually spend 2-3 months a year away from the US while my husband works the 'normal' work week in the Finance sector .. which can mean anything from 40 hours a week or days when he works 18 hour days and weekends as well.. that's one of the main reasons that I like to work @home. I also relish the flexibility of working from anywhere in the world as long as I have my laptop and a broadband connection.. so I may not make the big bucks that someone in the corporate sector makes but I have that much needed flexibility which is invaluable...

@Uptowngirl: I understand you fully and agree with you. That is why I like working at home. It gives me flexibility.

Indeed, @uptowngirl! Working at home is fantastic. Lets me travel all over the world, work in my pajamas, and pursue artistic/creative endeavors alongside my paid work - at my leisure! (Although I need to up the paid work and down on the artistic for the moment if I want to work my way through my doctorate...)

Yeah, I have to get going and promote my services so I can get more gigs. My previous projects are about done, except for this one.